Berlin, February 2025 – In an unprecedented move to regulate the nation’s most beloved guilty pleasure, the German government has announced the introduction of a “Schadenfreude Tax”, targeting those who derive joy from the minor inconveniences and failures of others.
Finance Minister defended the new law, stating, “It is only fair that if people profit emotionally from the suffering of others, the state should profit financially from it.”
How It Works
Under the new legislation, citizens will be taxed based on how much they enjoy others’ misfortunes. The tax will be enforced using AI-powered surveillance cameras placed in high-risk locations such as:
- Ticket machines at train stations, where tourists inevitably struggle with the Deutsche Bahn interface.
- Supermarket self-checkouts, where pensioners wage war against barcode scanners.
- Bike lanes in Berlin, where unsuspecting pedestrians are brutally scolded for walking 3 cm in the wrong direction.
Facial recognition technology will detect signs of joy—such as smirks, chuckles, or full-blown laughter—and automatically deduct fines via a linked bank account.
Tax Brackets
The government has established the following Schadenfreude tax brackets:
- Smug Smile (€5 per incident) – A subtle smirk when someone drops their currywurst.
- Light Chuckle (€15 per incident) – A small giggle when a hipster spills their oat milk latte.
- Full-Blown Laughter (€50 per incident) – Bursting into laughter when a driver realizes the U-Bahn is on strike again.
- Group Laughter (€200 fine for collective enjoyment) – Groups of friends enjoying public chaos together will be taxed at a higher rate due to the exponential rise in happiness.
Public Reactions
Reactions to the tax have been mixed. Berliners, already known for their deeply embedded sense of social misery, are furious that their main source of amusement is now taxable. Meanwhile, Bavaria has demanded an exemption, arguing that Oktoberfest mishaps should remain a tax-free tradition.
However, some politicians are defending the move. The Green Party sees the tax as an incentive for people to be kinder, while the Free Democratic Party is reportedly pushing for a counter-law to tax public displays of excessive seriousness.
International Response
The tax has sparked controversy across Europe. The Dutch government has announced it will not implement a similar tax because “we laugh at everything anyway, so we’d go bankrupt.” Meanwhile, in France, authorities insist their citizens are incapable of Schadenfreude because they are “too busy judging others to find anything amusing.”
The British government has reportedly taken a different approach, introducing a “Polite Discomfort Levy,” which fines citizens who awkwardly apologize when someone else steps on their foot.
What’s Next?
Experts predict that if the Schadenfreude Tax is successful, Germany may introduce additional emotional taxation measures, such as:
- The “Passive Aggression Surcharge” – A fee for anyone rolling their eyes in a bureaucratic office.
- The “Public Transport Suffering Tax” – A fine for making eye contact with another passenger on the S-Bahn.
- The “Berliner Rudeness Rebate” – A cash reward for anyone who manages to be nice in Berlin for an entire day.
For now, German citizens are left to wonder: Is it still worth laughing when someone forgets to press the stop button on the bus? Or should we all just learn to suffer in silence?
Only time (and the next tax reform) will tell.