Brie-gades and Camem-battalions Poised to Crumble Global Tensions
In a move that has NATO allies equal parts amused and alarmed, France has officially designated cheese as a strategic weapon, unveiling a bold new defense initiative that merges dairy diplomacy with culinary firepower. Dubbed Opération Fromage Fort, the plan includes the development of a fully edible armament system featuring baguette bayonets, fondue flamethrowers, and the pièce de résistance: the “Pasta de Guerre” cannon, which fires overcooked spaghetti at hostile targets.
“Let others build missiles,” declared General Jean-Paul Roquefort at a press conference in Dijon. “We shall build morale—and lactose intolerance.”
Cheese Diplomacy Hits the Front Lines
The policy shift came after the latest round of tariff disputes with non-EU nations, during which French negotiators reportedly smuggled in wheels of aged Camembert as a form of ‘olfactory deterrent.’ One diplomat fainted after prolonged exposure to a particularly ripe Munster. France took this as a sign of strategic superiority.
Defense analysts suggest the move is less about offense and more about deterrence. “Imagine the enemy breaching the Maginot line, only to slip on a raclette-soaked hillside or get trapped in a melted gruyère moat,” one anonymous NATO official mused. “It’s absurd. And therefore, deeply French.”
The EU’s Culinary Arms Race Heats Up
Fearing a continental escalation, Italy has reportedly begun trials of its own lasagna-laden landmines, while Germany is testing bratwurst-powered drones. The UK, for its part, has offered nothing except a shrug and a coupon for fish and chips.
Meanwhile, the French army’s latest recruitment posters proudly feature a soldier bayoneting a wine cork with a fresh baguette, under the slogan: “Liberté, Égalité, Fromagité.”
Citizens seem largely supportive. “If we must go to war, at least let it be delicious,” said one Parisian as he bit into a battle-hardened croissant.
Critics Cry Foul—Or Fowl, Possibly Duck à l’Orange
Human rights organizations have raised questions about the ethics of weaponized dairy, especially regarding non-consensual lactose exposure. In response, the Ministry of Defense promised all soldiers would carry an emergency supply of antacids and vegan brie “for humane engagements.”
As the world watches this cheesy arms race unfold, one thing is clear: when it comes to European defense, France is no longer cutting the cheese. It’s launching it.