April brings a solid dose of your favorite thing: existential dread disguised as 'routine.' You’ll pretend to enjoy the slow pace while inwardly screaming into a void. Love life? You want consistency, but you keep falling for emotionally unavailable people who text like cryptic philosophers. At least your stubbornness ensures you'll stick it out longer than you should. At work, you're the dependable rock everyone leans on—congrats on being exploited for stability! Your bank account is stable-ish, which is impressive considering your recent splurge on aesthetic throw pillows. Health: you’re basically one cheese plate away from a cholesterol intervention. Maybe touch a vegetable this month.