For decades, cities have been battlegrounds where three tribes wage daily war: cyclists, pedestrians, and car drivers. Each group believes they are the rightful rulers of the road, while the others are reckless menaces who should have their licenses revoked—or worse, be forced to spend a day in their rival’s shoes.
Now, to settle the debate once and for all, the world’s first “Urban Traffic Triathlon” has been announced. This grueling competition will pit cyclists, pedestrians, and car drivers against each other in a three-stage survival race, forcing them to experience the struggles of their sworn enemies. The winner will earn the ultimate prize: the right to complain forever.
The Triathlon Stages
🚶 Stage 1: The Pedestrian Gauntlet
- Athletes must jaywalk across six lanes of traffic while dodging e-scooters and aggressive cyclists who believe red lights are mere suggestions.
- Bonus round: Competing against a pack of old ladies with shopping trolleys who somehow always appear right in front of you.
- Penalty: Stepping in dog poop adds a 30-second time penalty.
🚴 Stage 2: The Cyclist’s Survival Sprint
- Participants must navigate a 10 km city route where bike lanes suddenly vanish and turn into parking spaces.
- The “random car door opening” challenge ensures that competitors remain on high alert.
- To finish, they must speed through an intersection while five pedestrians simultaneously step into the road, staring at their phones.
- Penalty: Any cyclist who rings their bell in frustration will be fined €50 by an imaginary city council.
🚗 Stage 3: The Driver’s Fury Lap
- Competitors must drive 3 km through a major city during rush hour.
- Obstacles include:
- Cyclists running red lights
- Pedestrians stepping off curbs without looking
- A delivery truck double-parked in the only available lane
- A fellow driver attempting a 23-point parallel park
- Bonus round: Finding a parking space within 500 meters of their destination.
- Penalty: Any honking results in instant disqualification, as it is considered “completely pointless” by race officials.
The Winner Takes It All
The competitor who loses their patience the least and completes all three stages will be declared the “Supreme Urban Commuter” and awarded a golden traffic cone. The losing groups must publicly acknowledge that the winner’s frustrations were indeed valid all along.
Critics argue that this event will only confirm what we already know: everyone hates everyone on the road. But organizers insist that by forcing each side to experience the daily horrors of urban travel from every perspective, mutual understanding will finally be achieved.
Or, at the very least, cyclists will admit that sometimes pedestrians do, in fact, exist.