In a bold move to protect national stability from the dangerous threat of competent local governance, Istanbul’s beloved mayor has been graciously escorted to jail this month—for crimes including, but not limited to, “being too popular,” “actually doing something,” and “winning elections with a suspiciously high number of votes.”
Government officials explained that the arrest was necessary after a thorough investigation revealed the mayor had “deliberately uplifted public morale” and “inspired hope,” which are now considered destabilizing behaviors under the revised interpretation of democratic values.
“He smiled too much,” “gave people hope,” one anonymous source said. “It was provocative. People started thinking things might improve. That’s not the kind of message we want out there.”
Legal experts noted that the charges—insulting a former official by blinking in a sarcastic tone, and walking upright in a defiant manner—were upheld by the court after six hours of intense eyebrow-raising.
Citizens took to the streets in protest, holding signs that read, “Is this satire or real life?”—a question no one has been able to answer for a really long time.
Meanwhile, the Ministry of Irony has confirmed that upcoming general elections will continue as planned, with all candidates pre-approved for their complete lack of leadership, vision, or voter appeal.
“We believe in free elections,” a government spokesperson assured. “As long as people freely choose what we’ve already chosen for them.”
When asked whether the jailed mayor might be released soon, the same spokesperson responded, “We’ll let him go the moment he stops being a threat to the status quo—or stops being popular. Either works.”
In unrelated news, prison cafeterias across the country are now hiring project managers. Experience with infrastructure development preferred.